4 Things You Can Do To Celebrate Columbus Day

Hello, America! Today is Columbus Day! You know what that means! Today is the day we celebrate Christopher Columbus’ massive fuck up that would have gotten him tossed out of the explorers union had it happened today.

Sadly, Columbus Day doesn’t have a whole lot of celebratory traditions attached to it other than a brief mentioning of it on the evening news and a couple of History Channel specials that tenuously connect Columbus to the Illuminati and Nazis. To right this wrong, we’ve come up with a number of activities you can perform that will make you much more appreciative for what Columbus did, and how he did it.

Of course, as with any American holiday, you should cram as much food and alcohol in to your system as humanly possible regardless of what’s on this list.

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Be very wrong about things

Columbus was a very dumb man. In fact, it is rumored that upon leaving the dock to begin his journey to Asia, Columbus’ second in command asked “In which direction shall we travel, Senior?” To which Columbus replied “To the left.” The ultimate example of Chris’ incompetence was the result of this limited knowledge of direction: his discovery of the Americas….which he thought was an entirely different country that’s on the other side of the earth.

To honor the memory of a man that could have just as easily discovered the Indies by spinning around a baseball bat three times then vomiting in a direction, you can spend your day being just as categorically incorrect about a bunch of little things as Columbus was about one big thing. So, if someone asks you for the time, give them the current time on Mars. When your boss tells you to change the toner on the office copy machine, tell him that it’s impossible due to the fact that that isn’t a copy machine, it’s the new intern and that if there’s anything wrong with him you’re not a surgeon, nor do you know what organ the “Toner” is.

Identify a Person by the Wrong Ethnicity

The reason we Americans call Indians “Indians” is because Christopher Columbus was a pretty big racist and all brown people looked the same to him. He was once overheard talking about how all Black people were related, and that all Chinese people were the spawn of dragons. Thankfully for him, at the time, there was no way to disprove any of the outlandish, racially charged things he said. Everyone considered him to be pretty smart and they accepted what he said as fact. To this day, some Spaniards and Italians still think sponges are scrapped off the backs of the Irish. Columbus was a dick.

But, of course, Columbus did far more than present the world with a whole new place to fuck up. No, while he was doing that, he completely wrote off an entire race of people by calling them as he (read: his racist mind) sees them. He just walked on to the Americas, saw some brown people, then he called them Indians and patted himself on the back as he knew he had just kicked off 500 years of shitty times for the Native Americans. Hell, it took nearly 500 years for us to come up with the phrase “Native American.”

Celebrate this fact by labeling all people of one race as all people of a completely different race. Simply calling a Chinese person Japanese won’t cut it anymore in this fast paced world of modern day ignorance induced racism. Today, you have to be bold. You’re total misunderstanding of races that aren’t yours must be so utterly pure and, most of all, fresh, that you have to make ethnic folk think you just discovered their kind for the first time and are ready to show them off to the world. Do this by storming in to a Mexican family’s home and declaring that you have discovered a new aboriginal tribe. If that’s too much work, then just call an Indian “Paki” and a Pakistani an “Indian” – they’ll all be tickled pink.

Tell Children you discovered something that you clearly did not

Children are basically little retards that will believe anything you say because they don’t know any better. This is perfect for letting them think you discovered something incredible. Something that no one else has ever discovered, nor have they even thought about discovering, ever. Ever. Just like what Columbus did when he discovered a land that already had people on it…that had also been previously “discovered” by the Vikings.

In order to do this you need a child. Just take one. They’re everywhere. People won’t mind. It’s like taking from the free penny dish at a gas station. Anyway, once you have your child just start pointing to random objects while telling him/her that if it weren’t for you that thing wouldn’t exist. How far can you take this? I don’t know. How stupid is your kid? Very? Then point at the kid’s mom. They’ll “OHH” and “AHH” in wonder, the dumb shits.

If after a while you discover that the children are beginning to ask questions like “Then, why aren’t ‘Stop’ signs named after you?”  just suck it up, be a man, and finally admit to your ruse as you tell them that, yes, you did discover these objects, but you didn’t do it very well, so some other dude had to come in and un-fuck your shit up. You tell the child that this guy did such a good job un-fucking your shit up that he won the rights of naming it. “Yes, I discovered Stop signs – but, Professor Henry Stop did some research and found out that these Stop signs weren’t actually a new sub-species of beaver as I had originally hypothesized.”

Invite Indians to a feast because you don’t really know how to celebrate Columbus Day

Columbus Day is the day that we all take a minute to sit back and reflect on who knows what. That’s not a question, that’s a statement. No one knows what to do on Columbus Day. Of all the holidays it’s the one that most like an awkward fart during sex. Should there be a parade? Fireworks? Do we get the day off? Nobody knows. Hell, Canada is part of the Americas and they don’t even celebrate Columbus Day. American Columbus Day is Canadian Thanksgiving, which is weird because scientists have yet to figure out what Canadians have to be thankful for.

So, seeing as when it all comes down to it, Columbus Day is nothing that special, just take a moment to thank Amerigo Vespucci because if it weren’t for him we’d be living in the United States of Chris. We would never have been taken seriously by anyone.