4 Idiots Who Made Ridiculous Self Comparisons

Stupid people really love to compare their plight to the plight of people that had actually experienced some real plight. It’s hard to blame these stupid people for saying such things because life is a struggle when you’re trying to convert words in to sentences while simultaneously attempting to hold back your enthusiasm for how much of a superfluous mega-cock you are.

Rod Blagojevich compares himself to all the bestest people ever

Former Governor of Illinois Rod Blagojevich.

Rod Blagojevich.

Blagojevich.

This Guy.

Did you retain that name in your memory? Good, because I refuse to type or Ctrl+F it in to this article. Instead, I will be replacing that dreadful name with the easier on the fingers (and far more accurate) Gov. Fuckface.

By now, we all know about Gov. Fuckface, his fuckface-iness, and his fuckface-ian deeds. But we’ll quickly sum it all up for those that just didn’t care about this fuckface:

Barack Obama became President, and his Senate seat opened up.

Gov. Fuckface was charged with the task of finding somebody to fill the seat.

Gov. Fuckface’s logic was as such: “I have a chair that a bunch of people want. But, what do people do when a lot of people want something they have? I have a buddy that once sold some dining chair slip covers on Craigslist, maybe I can do something like that? Damn, is that an exploded beaver in the middle of a barber shop dumpster? That would look great on my head.”

Gov. Fuckface was arrested, yet still retained all his power of appointment.

Gov. Fuckface appointed a one Mr. Dipshit McAssplay (Roland Burris), who may or may not also be evil.

Gov. Fuckface was impeached on January 9^th, 2009, got a radio show gig out of it.

Gov. Fuckface was indicted by a Federal Grand Jury on the grounds of racketeering conspiracy, wire fraud, extortion conspiracy, attempted extortion, and making false statements to federal agents (aka, “The Classics”).

Gov. Fuckface might get 20 years in prison.

In an interview with The Today Show’s Amy Robach, Gov. Fuckface attempted to humanize himself by doing everything just short of saving babies from the wicked hands of flaming demon Nazis hell bent on drinking the eternal life-giving baby juice that is commonly found in freshly squeezed babies. But, seeing as none of that last sentence is real in this dimension, Gov. Fuckface went with the next best thing: he invoked the names of Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, and Martin Luther King Jr. All in the same Fucking SENTENCE.

All Better Than You

On the subject of being arrested in his own home, Gov. Fuckface said, “I thought about Mandela, Dr. King and Gandhi and tried to put some perspective to all this.”

The perspective I’m sure he found was that of a human looking to the sky as a squadron of Pterodactyls shat upon his face. Sentences like the one above let me know that the wadded entanglement of chimp pubes atop his head is simply a cover for the colony of tiny bums soaked in their own urine that run the segment of his body that most of us call the “brain.”

Tom DeLay compares himself to 6 million Dead Jews

I understand if you find it difficult to think back to the world of politics from 2007. We’ve all blocked out large portions of 2000-2008 for reasons other than Two and a Half Men and Sanjia. One of the memories you’ve probably driven a literal nail through to deaden the portion of the brain that contains it is anything and everything even somewhat related to former Republican House Majority Leader Tom DeLay.

What a dick

DeLay, for those that now have intense nail induced memory lapses, had criminal charges slapped across him for money laundering and conspiring to violate campaign finance laws. DeLay was outraged over the allegations, even going as far as to say “I’m presently under indictment for laws that don’t exist in Texas…”

We will, for now, ignore that fact that Texas does frown upon money laundering and breaking campaign finance laws; so much so, in fact, that those crazy Texan bastards even went as far as to outlaw them, thereby negating DeLay’s ridiculous felon logic.

Yeah, Texas has laws. They also have this guy who thinks he's the law.

But we’re not concerned with that here. No, what we’re concerned with is DeLay’s reaction to the entire mess.

In March of 2007, DeLay published his memoir titled No Retreat, No Surrender: One American’s Fight (which has a glowing 2 ½ stars worth of Amazon.com reviews), in which he half-assedly attempted to refute his rather lengthy list of indictments. In it, DeLay first showed off his shitty comparison skills when he accused liberals of having “…finally joined the ranks of scoundrels like Hitler,” and calling the entire ordeal “The Big Lie.” A short time later, DeLay went on to Boston’s WERS radio show “You are Here” and said some things that make everything else he said or did make him seem like he’s the guy that can solve a Rubix cube made up of Sudoku puzzles that is also wrapped in the meaning of life.

“It’s the same process. It’s the same criminalization of politics. It’s the same oppression of people. It’s the same destroy people in order to gain power. It may be six million Jews. It may be indicting somebody on laws that don’t exist. But, it’s the same philosophy and it’s the same world view.”

Tom is right. 6 million Jews being murdered simply because of…well…for no logical reason, is totally along the same lines as prosecuting a douchebag for being caught performing douchebaggy acts.

Tom stepped down from Majority leader shortly thereafter, but has still not had the aforementioned cases brought before a jury.

Paris Hilton compares herself to a Prada Bag

Hey, my last name is Prada…

Fuck Paris Hilton. Fuck her in all ways literal and figurative. It’s kind of tough to make jokes about her. When I try, I just end up a bubbling cauldron of vicious hatred, and accusations of horribly disfigured vaginas covered in all sorts of human awful boil out of me. It’s tough to be witty and clever when it comes to this intelligence sucking wretch.

I reiterate, Fuck Paris Hilton

Anyway, earlier this year, Paris was asked a question regarding her sex life because what the hell else are you going to ask her about? Her plan to revolutionize the banking industry? Fuck no. Sucking dick (terribly) is the only thing she is known for other than possessing the uncanny ability to gauge the temperature of things using only her sight and her trusty scale that measures from “That’s”  all the way to “Hot.”

Who knows what question she was asked? It doesn’t matter. All I know is she started to defend her mud-flappish vaginal folds by saying she had only slept with “a couple of people” —  a couple of people who happen to have 12 dicks each, with each dick having its own dick and set of rules to which it lives its devil-may-care life by. To add a comparison to the mix, Paris then compared her barren sex life to a brand new Prada handbag that “no one can get.”

No one, Paris? Really? REALLY!?

Rick Soloman

Jason Shaw

Paris Latsis

Stavros Niarchos

Benji Madden (One of the twins from Good Charlotte)

Nick Carter (Yes, the Backstreet Boy)

Doug Reinhardt

Aww, cheer up, buck-o.

These are all the names I got after a single, half-assed Google search. Just think of how many more I could have discovered if I had done a thorough Google search, or how many less I would have found I had performed a Bing search.

But, in the end, Paris, you made a good comparison. Comparing any aspect of you and your personality to a leathery bag that is only good for cramming things into is…well…it’s just damn spot on.

P.S. – I hope your face gets an STD so rare that it can only be found in two places: 1) the vaginas of hermaphroditic Wombats, and 2) your face.

Also, see Paris compare herself to Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana.

Heidi Montag compares herself to Jesus

I don’t like mentioning the name of this Montag lady for fear that it will prolong her existence in our collective consciousness, thereby extending her stay in the public eye. Sadly (or thankfully), I don’t know nearly enough about this woman and her “show” to comment on any of her inherent bitchiness or assholery. But, seeing as she is on The Hills – a docu-drama about frivolous idiots, and a show I’ve seen a grand total of 1 minute of — I can only assume she is a vapid hose beast with as much substance and importance as a jar filled with hopes, dreams, and chimichanga induced farts. And seeing as she is apparently viewed as the “villain” on the show, I can also assume that I am right in my assessment of her, plus about 50 “I am right” points.

She just pooped

Lauren Conrad, the “hero” of The Hills, got in to a bit of a spat with co-star Montag and her boyfriend Spencer Prat (who I will now officially call “spat,” even though it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense). Conrad accused Montag and Spat of spreading rumors about a Conrad sex tape. Where I fail to see a downside to my watching of a sex tape starring Lauren Conrad, Conrad was apparently disgusted at the idea of me hunched over my computer like a man hate fucking himself because he’s masturbating to someone from The Hills; which, of course, begs the question “I’m I, in some small, weird way actually masturbating to an episode of The Hills?”

Montag was offended by the accusation. She’s apparently a very religious person as well, and was once quoted as saying that she is “the most religious person.” Seeing as this was all of the quote I cared to find, I’ll just go ahead and say that the full quote was, “I’m, like, the most religious person of all evers!!”

Montag and her intense religiosity then came together to form the shitty 3 foot Voltron of retarded minutia that is this quote:

“I don’t even want to talk about that. There were rumors about a sex tape, but I had nothing to do with that. God knows the truth in all of this, and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I’m going to get persecuted, ya know? But it doesn’t matter to me.”

Yes, you are going to get nailed to a cross, stabbed in the ribs, and left to die — all while you are left to wonder if being a sex tape martyr was worth it. I don’t even know if I’m being sarcastic anymore.