4 Awful Board Games You Can Buy On Amazon Right Now

Nostalgically longing for the days when you and your friends could sit around your ALF game board and mindlessly move your little ALF tokens along a path that made no sense whatsoever? Cheer up. There are literally a kerjillion really crappy board games dying lingering deaths on Amazon. Here are just a few.

The War on Terror: The Board Game

Enter a world of political kidnappings, suicide bombers, filthy propaganda, and intercontinental war in the War on Terror Board Game! Fight terrorism when it threatens your empire. Fund terrorism when you don’t want to get your hands dirty.

The War on Terror lets players pretend to be terrorists and superpowers and fight to expand their own sphere of influence.  It’s like Risk, but with an Axis of Evil spinner and sinister face masks. Obviously, this is not a game that takes itself too seriously; the product reviews use the phrases ‘life changing’ and ‘cerebral,’ which are great words to use when describing a tongue in cheek board game. Also good words to describe genitalia.

But remember, you’re playing the role of a suicide bomber. It’s like 1940s Allied children imagining they’re Auschwitz guards and sending their Hebrew playmates to the Easy Bake oven gas chamber. Reviews of the game insist it’s like any other strategy game, since gamers assume the roles of bad guys all the time, right? Right. And as soon as Milton Bradley comes out with the game called “Pretending to Be the Guy that Beheads Kidnapped Soldiers and Journalists Is How I Make My Political Beliefs Known to All My Friends and Also Ha Ha Ha Look at How Irreverent I Am” we’ll totally rescind our assertion that the game might not be in the best of taste. Just kidding. We wouldn’t.

The Dr. Laura Game

It’s almost like taking the shrillest, most self-righteous, naggingest, pseudo-medical radio personality ever and making a super-fun game out of pretending to BE her! Oh wait, that’s exactly what this game is:

…by playing the Dr. Laura board game, you too can think–and talk–like the sociocultural right-sitting Dr. Laura. Based on her nationally syndicated radio show, this fast-paced board game has players matching wits with the doctor, responding to some of her 600 real, phone-in dilemmas. Do you let your 11-year-old son quit summer camp just because the other kids are calling him gay?

Oh hellz yeah. You know what’s fun? Dispensing sage family advice. You know what’s even funner? Calling homosexuality a ‘biological error’ and ‘aberrant’ and suggesting that homosexual couples ‘shouldn’t be able to adopt children.’

There are only two types of people who are going to buy this: first, the psychology teacher-slash-coach at your high school who wants students to play a game that stimulates debate and let’s the ‘kids’ ‘rap’ about their ‘issues,’ but isn’t creative-slash-smart enough to create a game that is relevant to the ‘kids’ ‘actual’ ‘issues.’ Second, your grandma. Your grandma would buy this game as her super passive way of reaching out to you about the problems she doesn’t have enough guts to actually bring up in regular conversation, and doesn’t think your parents have the correct moral position on anyway. Have fun discussing sexy problems with your grandma.

Argue! Otherwise titled Aneurysm!

Argue! The new, fun, topical game where all you need is an opinion to win. The debate never ends in this action -packed party game. A highly interactive game where players debate a topic to influence others in order to win.

Sounds like fun, right? You don’t need facts or knowledge or even intelligence. Just an opinion and the ability to shout. Finally!   A game where blustery, self-confidence is given its due.

You think you’re in for a fun night, when really, you’ve  just entered a high school debate session. Except that instead of listening to carefully researched and documented cases built for both sides of the resolution, you’re surrounded by members of the YouTube generation, a group who begin their rebuttals by addressing ‘all y’all haters’ and end them with kissy lips and peace signs.

The only person who would buy this is that guy who claims he would’ve been a great lawyer ‘because he’s so good at arguing’ and also thinks being a successful lawyer is actually about how well you argue, not how well-versed in the law you are, or how tenacious you are in acquiring clients. This is the same guy who ‘should’ve been a doctor’ because he can guess the diagnosis on Fox’s medical drama House .5 seconds before the diagnosis is delivered, and ‘should’ve been an executive’ because he’s ‘smart with business and stuff.’ Instead of these illustrious careers he’s chosen ‘gas station attendant’ as his line of work, because the hours work nicely with his World of Warcraft schedule. Still, he can play Argue! and dream of what might have been.

To Know You Better

Humorous and entertaining, the Game is designed so that positive and enjoyable subjects are discussed. This game does not involve any physical intimacy, and the cards are carefully written to avoid discussions that might be embarrassing or uncomfortable!

Ugh…conversation is the hardest, what with the talking and the responding and the eye contact and the not vomiting. If only there was a game that did the talking for you, but not literally, because a game with a mouth would just be weird.

Surprise! There is. And it’s awesome. First you set out some cups of coffee and scones and flowers. Right there on the game table, they aren’t in the way at all. Then you pick these cards and you ask your new friend questions. It’s like how regular people talk, but with scones.

We can 100% guarantee that if two people are playing this game, one of those people has a debilitating social disorder that prevents him or her from vocalizing independent thoughts and opinions without making a weird clicking noise and/or honking. I don’t care how socially isolated society is, real people know how to talk to each other without cue cards. Plus, the fact that this game was presumably created in the 70s suggests it’s some kind of coded sex game anyway. Which is just gross with honkers.