$3 Toasters at Target for Black Friday? Life is Beautiful!
According to the buzz on the internet, and you better believe there’s a buzz, and it’s totally on this here internet, Target is whipping out a cherry of a deal for Black Friday. Can you guess? Yes, you can. It’s the title of this article. $3 for toasters, dawg! Take that every store who sells toasters for more than $3!
Black Friday is traditionally the day when consumers inexplicably drop fat loads of cash on shit that’s barely on sale because retailers got together and just decided it was a good day to pretend to have sales. We say pretend because really, jack shit you want is on sale. You might get like $50 off a flatscreen TV or something, but you’re not really saving a ton or anything. That is, unless you’re in the market for toast.
Toast, as you may know, is bread that has been toasted. The name is ultra descriptive. It is toasted within the toaster, a machine that applies heat on boat sides and dries that fucking bread right out. Before the advent of the toaster it was only through divine intervention that toast could be made properly and you better believe Jesus and Buddha were often way too busy to answer toast prayers. Maybe once a year if you were lucky and prayed early enough in the day would you ever get one of them to pop in with toast. And if you wanted breakfast for the whole family, forget it. Like, you pray for toast and Jesus shows up and he’d have a couple pieces, he’s cool like that, but then you go “Ah, thanks J-Dawg. But see, I got my whole family here too and we’re monster hungry. Any chance for like 6 more pieces?” And then Jesus would give you that look, you know the one. But yeah, your family wasn’t getting that toast, man. Not ever. Everyone told stories of the time Jesus really did make toast for the family, but that was bullshit. He never did that.
So one day someone makes the toaster and really, it’s a God machine. That was the original name, but it got confusing because people would try to smite enemies with it and only succeed in bashing them in the head. So it was refined down to just “toaster” and only the wealthiest princes of Persia could afford it, plus Hollywood stars like Elliot Gould and Bijou Phillips. The rest of us were pretty much doinked.
But man, Target has come through with flying colors for us little folk. If you’ve been pining for a toaster of your own (hopefully you didn’t pray for one because man, if Jesus shows up and you actually waste your wish on a toaster instead of toast…whoa. You’ll wish all you got was that look), now’s the time to live the dream, baby. $3! You could have toast in every room of your house for that price. Imagine the freedom of actually being on the toilet and making toast with that loaf of bread you store on the toilet tank. No more floppy toilet sandwiches for you made from regular, fresh bread or, even more sad, bread you’ve intentionally left out to get stale because then it’s kind of like toast (this is actually what is known as “Kentucky Toast.”). You can be working your magic while the toaster works its own. Sweet!
FunnyCrave is taking this opportunity o advice everyone to camp out at Target the night before and, to make things more efficient, head to the bank today to stock up on $3 bills. That way when you get to the store you’ll have everything ready to pull in as many sweet, sweet toasters as you can carry.
