3 Quick Rules For Punching People In The Face

When it’s time to throw down, will you know what to do? Probably not. You’re pathetic. You punch like a bitch. Real vagina-like. We’d tell you to remove your tampon before you tossed out your fist in an angry fashion, but your maxi pad is obstructing your grasp of the string. Yeah, that’s right! Your punches are so girly that your monthly vaginal discharge can only be suppressed by both a cottony plug and a blood pillow.

You suck. Sadly, we can’t change that. But we can give you some quick, rapid fire tips on how to punch people in the face so as to give the illusion of not sucking.

Aim For The Face

You’d be surprised how many people truly don’t understand that the most basic principle of punching people in the face is that they have to aim for the face region of the body, or at least the head region, which is usually located above the shoulders and just below your colon. Get it? We just insinuated that your head is firmly implanted in your anus, which, in turn, implies that you don’t know what in the holy fuck you’re doing. So, please, aim for the head. Hell, you can even aim for the penis head for all we care. Shit, you’re so girly you’re probably dreaming of some of that delectable man dick right now. You are aren’t you? Good…NOW PUNCH THAT DICK!

Form a Proper Fist

Some think a fist is a fist is a fist. If this were true then our fist would be your fist which would be everyone’s fist. Fuck that noise. Our fist is our fist and your fist can suck our fist’s nutsack and lick its butt, which is its elbow.

To form a proper fist that can be used for punching, you must first hold up your hand.

Good.

Now, put a gun in it.

Good.

Now, close the fist.

Good.

You just made a fist for punching someone in the face.

Punch That Stupid Fucker In His Stupid Fucking Face…Fuck!!

So, now that you have your fist made, it’s time to punch a sucka in the face with it. This part can be a bit tricky, so you should pay close attention to this next part.

Walk up to this person, say his name is Sheldon, and he’s the dude that’s been banging your girl for the past few years, ever since she broke up with you after you banged her mom and got her little sis all preggo and such. Sheldon’s all like, “You’re cruisin’ for a bruisin!” and you’re all like “I’m going to shoot you in the face with this gun in my fist.” When he jukes left in an attempt to trick you out, you juke to your left, and then shoot your fist at his right eye. Now, if you’re doing this with a closed fist, what the hell is wrong with you? We told you to put a gun in that fist, didn’t we? Christ! You losers never listen!

Anyway, if you’ve followed all the instructions up till this point, then what you should have done is shot Sheldon in his big stupid right eye. The reason for this is because the brain is like, right behind the eye and that fist-bullet will obliterate it.

The moral of the story is this, kids: never bring a fist to a fist fight. Just cut out the middle man and kill all of your problems away before they become something serious.