3 Day Potty Training is For Chumps. We Can Potty Train A Kid In 2!

Normally here at Funny Crave, we’re all about trying to make you laugh just so you can get though your day without having to resort to some strange narcotic elixir just to take the edge off. But on days like today, we want to put all that “funny” business aside and talk to you about something real. Something that affects many of us: children leaving their turds everywhere.

Kids, those tiny versions of adults, are like wild packs of dogs. Their complete disregard for civility leaves many gobsmacked. Yes, it’s that serious. There are millions of people in this world whose babies are purposefully smacking their gobs. All of their gobs. It’s appalling. We’re here to alleviate some of the tension that’s been collecting in your gobs by imparting some friendly advice to you parents out there that every morning have to tiptoe though the minefield of infant fecal matter that litters your once pristine hardwood floors.

In order to do this, we have brought in someone that is very knowledge able on the subject, me. My qualifications include:

1)      I was once a baby

2)      I like to poop in designated poop receptacles

3)      I have no children whatsoever

Right now, Google Trends is showing the phrase “3-Day Potty Training.” While we’re sure that system, whatever it may entail, is all well and good, we will be the first to say what’s on everybody’s mind: it probably sucks and it probably ends with your toddler zipping through a slip-n-slide of their own fecal discharge.

As everyone in the quick workout video tape industry knows, you have to constantly top your competitors. If they say they can give you steel buns in 7 minutes, you had better damn-well be prepared to turn buns to steel in 6. It’s the same here. Someone out there thinks they can make a baby shit in a porcelain hole in three days — screw that! We can make them do it in2!

And with that, on to our much better advice on how to properly potty train your toddler in just 2 easy days…

Day 1: Fear

If you’re not telling your children that poop is demons trying to eat their butts, you may has well turn them in to child services or that shifty-eyed man on the street because you’re obviously doing some serious damage to them.

Your kids need to know from a very early age that poop is impure and that God will not accept them in to heaven without clean bowels. Sure, you can pacify these fears by informing them that when a human dies, their muscles release their tension and the butt empties all of its contents. But let’s save the death talk for the conversion for when daddy goes out to buy some milk and never returns.

Day 2: Incentive

After your children have slept on the idea of the butt demons that will corrupt their souls, they will wake up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed the next morning ready to take their first fear-induced poop. Their first of many. But now you’re stuck with the same problem, they’ll just crap everywhere. A simple solution to this is to tell them that when they poop in the toilet then flush it, what they’re really doing is sending the demons off to god, who will then pay them back with Heaven Dollarinis. Heaven Dollarinis are a form of currency that accrues over time. The more Heaven Dollarinis accumulated over a life-span, the better the chances of getting in to Heaven.

Really, we can just stop this guide right here. By this point, your kid will be so terrified that they’ll sitting on the toilet at all hours of the day just to make sure they don’t miss even the slightest drop of poo, lest they be damned to an eternity of being poked and prodded by the fiery Overlords of the Underworld.