21-Foot Crocodile Found In The Philippines, Giving You One More Reason To Not Visit The Philippines

Today in the Philippines, authorities captured a 21 foot long saltwater crocodile that had been spotted eating a buffalo. Given the choices between capturing the beast and no one in the entire island nation ever going into the water again, ever, the government let out a deep, resigned sigh and set about trying to capture the animal. It took 21 days to capture it because the two previous times it was “caught”, it just chewed through the ropes, because that is what a 2,370lb armored terror filled with teeth does (it ate a buffalo for God’s sake!)

Here a prisoner, arrested for murder, is shown being forced to embrace the crocodile as part of his sentence.

According to Guinness World Records, the current world record holder for the largest croc in captivity is 18-feet in length. When reached for comment about whether Guinness would measure the 21-foot Filipino croc for the record books, a Guinness representative was quoted as saying nothing, save for a few unintelligible stammers followed by the crapping of his shorts. He then added, “And you can quote me on that.”

Saltwater crocodiles are the world’s largest reptiles, and objectively more terrifying than sharks because they can get you in a river, the sea or follow your ass on land. And apparently eat whole cows, just to show us what a McNugget feels like. Several people who witnessed authorities preparing the monster for transport said “AHHHHHHHHHHH! It eats dreams! My mind is broken forever! Let the images leave my soul!” The Philippine government refuses to confirm or deny the croc’s soul-devouring abilities, but come on, look at it. Its cousin was a dinosaur.

The discovery of this creature has lead to a search for more crocodiles, apparently because the collective balls of the Philippine fish and game people are larger than their collective brains,  and apparently it ate some people. The huge reptile required 100 people and steel cables to drag out of the water, and a crane to deposit it in the caged off enclosure the government set aside for it. When asked why they are keeping this terrifying prehistoric horror alive, authorities said “If Manila is ever attacked by that thing from Cloverfield, we’re going to use this to scare it the f*ck off.”