24 Life Lessons I’ve Learned From Jack Bauer

Finally, the greatest show on Earth has returned.  Terrorists the world over are quaking in their terrorist boots because Jack Bauer, the world’s finest terrorist situation diffusing specialist is back and ready to ignore the Geneva Convention for a solid 24 hours.  And we couldn’t be more excited.

The conventional wisdom among those peaceniks among us who think terrorists deserve “humane treatment” and “respect” dictates that Jack Bauer is, in fact, a bad person.  This is incorrect.  In fact, in my days on Earth since the premier of the first season of 24, I would argue that nobody has been more influential in my life than Jack Bauer.  And everything I’ve learned has been unequivocally positive.  Here are just a few of the things I’ve learned…

Any conversation that starts with “tell me who you’re working for!!!” is guaranteed to be a productive one.

Restroom breaks are for the weak.

Squeezing a gaping leg wound is a reasonable means of gathering information.

Shooting an innocent wife in the kneecap is a reasonable means of gathering information.

Shooting anyone in the kneecap is a reasonable means of gathering information.

Schematics are best viewed on Nextel phones.

Amnesty International has no jurisdiction over the parking lot.

Sockets are meant to be opened.

Yelling “I’m a Federal Agent!” will get you out of an armed robbery.

Yelling “I’m a Federal Agent!” will get you out of any negative situation.

Biting your captor in the neck does not make you “Team Edward,” but it is pretty badass.

In a pinch, a towel is a perfectly acceptable torture device.

If you must elbow an Air Marshall into a state of unconsciousness in the name of justice, at least give him a pillow.

Always wait for backup.  Unless you are storming an abandoned warehouse filled with enemy combatants.

Girlfriends come and go, but best friends are forever.  Even if they get shot and die, they’ll be back.

If the opportunity presents itself, you can fuck someone up with a lamp cord.

If it comes down to you or him, your boss has to go.

A hooded sweatshirt will protect you from biological attacks.

Always wear a hooded sweatshirt.

A switchblade can pick any lock.  Any.  Lock.

Go ahead, cut that fucking eye out.

Always carry a switchblade.

Your partner is expendable.  Your partner’s forearm is even more expendable.

Food is a luxury.