ain't no evil on these monkeys if1109

Recently in the comments section of an article on FunnyCrave, someone came to the defense of FOX news correspondents, questioning our journalistic integrity and judgment for the decision to label the people who work at FOX “evil”.  Now maybe it’s possible Glenn Beck and Bill O Reilly and the rest of their crew aren’t evil, except that it’s not possible.  They really are evil.  The problem then must be in our ability to identify evil, why else would someone question the evilitude of the FOX crew?  Unless of course the commenter in question was evil in which case it’s possible the very article that was commented on is now hexed and will give us all a fearsome palsy should we dare read it again. Thanks for nothing, evil commenter.

Anyway, since it seems more likely than ever that people are having a hard time understanding the nature of evil, what with preachers fearing those who sit to pee and a veritable army of malnourished, pasty rednecks clamoring against Barack Obama because they’re pretty sure he’s from Mexico or Spain or some other terrorist nation, we need to have a clearcut way to identify evil so we can be sure we’re fearful of and/or hating the right things.  So here’s your list.  Beware.

  1. You have now or in the past attempted to, successfully or otherwise, give someone Hitler AIDS
  2. You are affiliated with PETA
  3. You have paid for and therefore financially supported David Hasselhoff’s music career
  4. You watch Two and a Half Men
  5. You would do Ann Coulter
  6. You chew tobacco and/or call it “dip”
  7. You don’t always wipe
  8. You’ve had sex with a family member
  9. You think The View is informative
  10. You laugh at the “comedy” of Jeff Dunham
  11. You feel Miley Cyrus is a suitable role model for children
  12. You purchase and/or market yogurt that is advertised as being probiotic
  13. You support chocolate covered, deep fried bacon
  14. You run a Wal Mart
  15. You are an arsonist
  16. You fly kites at night
  17. Jeff Foxworthy still makes you laugh
  18. The idea of voting for Sarah Palin as president appeals to you
  19. You have ever touched your groin area with someone else’s toothbrush
  20. You routinely poison animals and/or neighbors
  21. Dr.Evil if1109

  22. You deliberately say inflammatory bullshit on your news show just because you know it will be picked up by the rest of the media and gain you more exposure
  23. You are a Lohan
  24. You’re a guy and you have a ponytail
  25. You support the Insane Clown Posse in some way
  26. You are a high level Scientologist
  27. You write checks at the grocery store
  28. You pay with change at the grocery store
  29. You are Sylvia Browne
  30. You have ever been on a highway work crew and decided lunch time should be 4 hours long
  31. You wrote Full House
  32. You wear Ed Hardy shirts
  33. You think the people at Westboro Baptist Church are too liberal
  34. You would vote for Dick Cheney
  35. You are Dick Cheney
  36. You helped summon Dick Cheney
  37. You’ve attempted to smoke cloves, banana peels or catnip
  38. You’ve ever written to a serial killer because you feel they’re misunderstood
  39. You then married that serial killer
  40. You work at The Learning Channel
  41. You’re vegan and you make sure everyone knows it
  42. ash if1109

  43. You felt it was necessary to research how to make homemade explosives at some point in your life
  44. You’ve written fan fic
  45. The fan fic was sexual
  46. You work in marketing over at Miracle Whip
  47. You package things in those godforsaken plastic blister packs that require industrial tools to get into
  48. You’ve purchased a drum kit for someone else’s child
  49. You hang toilet paper the wrong way
  50. You bought a Big Mouth Billy Bass
  51. You’ve purchased second hand socks or underwear
  52. You attend NASCAR events
  53. You know what man flesh tastes like, in a non-gay way
  54. You’ve ever brought your kids to a bar
  55. You’ve called in to vote for a reality show contestant
  56. You think mac and cheese with a can of tuna in it is a casserole
  57. You bought a dummy so you could make use of the carpool lane
  58. You feel the second amendment supports the use of bazookas or flame throwers
  59. You make Doritos for a living and think you’re fooling anyone when you release a “new” flavor and it’s the same fucking cheese flavor you’ve released 20 times already with a dash of something red tossed in.
  60. You’ve eaten a Luther burger
  61. Amway
  62. You sign your friends up to have assholes come to their houses and try to sell them useless garbage because each friend’s name enters you in a contest to win that same useless garbage
  63. the devil!!!! if1109

  64. You run a massive drug cartel and murder your enemies in creative ways to set an example for others
  65. You forward emails about how bill Gates is giving away free money, Old Navy is giving away free jeans or Red Lobster is giving away free colonoscopies just for forwarding the email
  66. You like Prog Rock
  67. You’ve ever had a dog de-barked
  68. You think we only use 10% of our brains
  69. You buy the “healthy” menu items at fast food restaurants
  70. You’ve engaged in sexual activity with a stuffed animal and then tried to defend yourself on the internet
  71. You’ve overthrown a democratically elected government and slaughtered any dissidents
  72. You forward tranny porn to friends because it’s funny
  73. You chew with your mouth open despite not being livestock
  74. You’re the guy who edits movies on AMC.  What the fuck is your problem?
  75. You’re a teacher who thought taking kids on a class trip to a historical museum would be a good idea
  76. You make your living on eBay
  77. You maintain a website that discusses your political/religious/sexual opinions
  78. You paid to watch hobo porn
  79. You downloaded free hobo porn
  80. You knew hobo porn existed before reading it on this site
  81. You’ve used a public toilet and were moved to not flush
  82. You’ve ever used the toilet and then elected to not wash your hands under the assumption that, since you bathed earlier, your undercarriage is probably pretty kosher right now
  83. You’ve attempted to stage a coup
  84. chihuahua if1109

  85. You own a bank
  86. You are George Lucas
  87. You pop your collar even though you realize it makes you look like a douche
  88. You wear sunglasses indoors (equally applicable if this is because you’re a vampire or just a giant cock hole)
  89. You fart in elevators
  90. You go to the movies alone
  91. You eat at Arby’s
  92. You try to feed animals at the zoo
  93. You can’t be bothered to reply to emails
  94. You call people just because
  95. You eat knock off Spam
  96. You continue to pay to see Nicolas Cage films
  97. You’re the reason your apartment building smells like curry/eggs/shit
  98. You’ve stained a seat on a bus or in a cab
  99. You made up a name for yourself
  100. You do impressions
  101. You devour souls
  102. You’ve started a cult but call it a family
  103. You have a single car company from which you buy all your vehicles because other car companies make shit
  104. You try to fight WWE style or MMA style at home
  105. vader tater if1109

  106. You get angry at internet comedy sites that make fun of things you like and are then moved to post an idiotic comment that will only serve as fodder for people to directly and explicitly make fun of you