101 Observations About the 82nd Annual Academy Awards

-No matter how studly he may be on How I Met Your Mother, Neil Patrick Harris is great at reminding people that, at heart, he loves the dudes.

-Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin are a great idea.  Always.

-”Dame” Helen Mirren.  Awesome.

-What’s the over/under on an Oscar win hurting Notorious BIG’s street cred?  He was great in Precious, but it’s hard to listen to “Ready to Die” with a straight face after that.

-Jeff Bridges better fucking win.

-In English please, Penelope Cruz.

-It’s Woody Harrelson’s year!

-Or maybe not!  Goddammit!  A win for Inglourious Basterds is a win for internet types the world over though.  Well done, German dude we’ll probably never hear from again.

-I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat back and thought “wow, how lucky is Michael Oher to have had some old white lady come along and teach him how to be an effective offensive lineman.”  Wait, that only happened in the movie.  Never mind.

-A Jimmy Kimmel Live commercial with a reference to The Clapper?  Christ, that guy is always on the cutting edge of comedy.

-I shit you not, I just now realized The Fantastic Mr. Fox is, literally, about an animated fox.

-Is The Secret of Kells about R. Kelly?

-Whoa.  The guy who wrote Up will probably be upgrading that wife now that he has an Oscar under his belt.

-Miley Cyrus is a fucking redneck.

-Amanda Seyfried isn’t doing her tits any justice with that shelf dress.

-I don’t think I’ve seen Randy Newman since the “I Love L.A.” video.  He’s super fucking old!

-Wait, does Penelope Cruz get naked in Nine?  Because I WILL go see that shit.

-You know what’s more believable than Colin Farrell as a country singer?  Everything.

-Tina Fey and Robert Downey Jr. were incredible.  No surprise there.

-Whoa.  Molly Ringwald is still pretty damn hot!  What the hell has she been up to for the past 25 years?

-Huh.  Making movies, apparently.  No movies that I’ve ever seen, but apparently, Molly Ringwald has been making movies.

-Judd Nelson is still alive, but John Hughes is dead.  Where’s the justice in that?

-Also, Judd Nelson appears to be a total fucking weirdo these days.

-What’s Judd Nelson up to these days?  Shit like this, apparently…“Netherbeast Incorporated (2007) is an independent film directed by Dean Reynolds and written by Bruce Dellis. It is an undead office comedy concerning a telephone company in Arizona staffed entirely by flesh-eating, vampire-like employees who refer to themselves as “Netherfolk.” Historical figures such as President James Garfield and Alexander Graham Bell are woven into the story.”  Trippy!

-Is the same Asian chick sitting next to Woody Harrelson and Jason Reitman?  That’s impressive, considering they both appear to be in different seats.

-How did Zoe Saldana and white Zoe Saldana get stuck handing out such boring awards?

-Way to crash the stage, red headed weirdo!  KRS-One looked like he was really into his acceptance speech.  That was him, right?

-Ben Stiller dressed as, um, whatever the fuck those Avatar things are called presenting the award for best makeup.  Genius.

-Star Trek won.  One of the makeup people is wearing a Kangol.  I immediately dislike him.

-I’m not gonna lie.  I thought A Serious Man was total ass.  I love the Coen Brothers though.

-Hey!  It’s about time for the host of VH-1′s Charm School to annoy the shit out of me!

-Ok.  Fine.  She wasn’t even sort of obnoxious.  That speech was pretty great.

-Avatar win number one.  Gross.

-Shit, am I at 101 yet?

-Nope!  Not even close!

-Hey, look!  A tribute to horror films!  This must be an effort to make up for the heinous snubbing of Sorority Row this year.

-Man, “sound editor” would be one bitchin’ job.

-So The Hurt Locker just won twice in a row for Sound Mixing and Sound Editing.  What are you supposed to do with that info?  Is anyone watching this saying to themselves “shit, I have to go hear that movie!”?

-Sandra Bullock’s lipstick is ridiculous.

-How fitting, James Taylor is murdering a Beatles song during the montage of dead people.  You were my boy, Dom Deluise!

-Alright.  So instead of live performances of each nominated song, we get a dance performance that appears to be the basis for every Gap commercial ever.  Seems like a decent trade.

-Christ, I’m not even going to get close to 101, am I?

-Yeah!  Best Documentary!  Hey, Japan, quit killing dolphins you sick fucks!

-Oh shit!  That guy’s name is Fisher Stevens?

-Hey, Tyler Perry is cracking jokes!  He should try writing a comedy some time!

-Keanu Reeves is serious!  Whoa!

-Sweet!  Time for the award for Bester Fremdsprachefilm!

-That’s “Best Foreign Language Film” if you’re keeping score at home.

-Holy shit!  Is it time for Best Actor?  Please let if be time for Best Actor!!!!

-It is.  It’s time.  Two words — Jeff.  Bridges.

-Damn right, Jeff Bridges.  Damn right.  The Dude abides.

-Jeff Bridges for the win.  So fucking awesome.  (Sorry, internet, I refuse to abbreviate “for the win.”  I’m not 13.)

-Time for Best Actress.  My money is on Sandra Bullock, despite never having seen The Blindside.  The Proposal was pretty great though!

-Good job, Sandra Bullock!

-Way to lead me on, Barbra Streisand.  When you said “well the time has come,” I was sure you meant Quentin Tarantino had finally won best director.  You’re a filthy liar, Streisand.  A dirty, filthy liar.

-Alright, 101 is definitely not happening.  But if you’re actually counting, you’re a douchebag anyway.

-Really?  The Hurt Locker for Best Picture?  I’m definitely not making it to 101.  Fuck this, I’m going to bed.