10 Stories That Could Have Made Today A Better News Day

Today is a shitty day for us here at Funny Crave. Not only did our gold-infused caviar reserves run dry, but the crazy people of the world apparently had some kind of clandestine meeting in the Swiss Alps that we weren’t invited to and, while there, they reached a groundbreaking agreement: on December 22, 2009 they were all going to take a day off. This is the only logical reason for why we’ve been scouring the internet for hours and have found damn near nothing of interest other than old news that we had previously ignored and never even wanted to make fun of.

Yes, people. With this insane year drawing to a close – a year that saw pretty much everybody either lose their goddamn minds or just die – today is the day that everyone decided to take a much deserved rest. Which leaves us with our dick in our hands, only seconds away from going out there ourselves and leaving sexually explicit messages on a celebrity’s cell phone, or starting a fringe group of lunatics that think Obama is a martian and that we should nuke Mars before his minions invade some city in the middle of fucking nowhere, just so we can have something to make fun of.

Sadly, none of that will happen. We’re left with a bunch of boring, uninteresting trash. But we’re still very committed to bringing you guys something to laugh at. More importantly, though, we’re bored and we really want to entertain ourselves. So here are some news stories that we really wish would have broken today…

1)      Brittany Murphy Rises From The Dead, Mass Dead Celebrity Zombie Horde Stumbles Through LA

2)      Glenn Beck Says, “America Should Return To Its Slave-Owning Roots”

3)      Local Man Eats Own Head, Still Hungry

4)      Tiger Woods’ Sexual Partners List Expands; Hugh Grant, Eddie Murphy Included

5)      A politician’s head explodes while yelling at another politician

6)      Kanye West Does Another Douchey Thing

7)      Swine Flu Challenges Humanity To Thunderdome

8)      Auto-Tune Found Dead In Hotel Room, Yugoslavian Sex Slaves To Blame

9)      Twitter Becomes Sentient, Uses Knowledge Of The Menial and Mundane Against Us

10)   Scientology Linked To Spontaneous In-Womb Baby Explosions