10 Fictional Sporting Events We’d Pay Good Money to Attend

How many of us can honestly say “I was there when the Giants destroyed the Patriots hopes of a perfect season in Super Bowl XLII?”  A lot of us can, it was the Super Bowl and that stadium was packed.  Alternately, how many of us can say we were there when Roy Hobbs blew out the stadium lights in The Natural?  None of us, that was a movie.  But damn if it wouldn’t have been awesome to see that in real life!  Here are ten fictional sporting events we wish we could have attended in real life.

The Diving Meet From Back to School

Forget that on a scale of 1-10 in degree of difficulty the dive measures a 42; forget that after the meet the opponent’s diving coach surely filed a protest based on the sketchy roster finagling; forget all the drama between Zabka faking a cramp…

How awesome would it be sitting there, watching as a crew of workers installed a diving board on the 6 meter platform? That’s the kind of tension that creates legends. The murmuring in the crowd would slowly build, getting louder and louder until the PA announcer simply announced the substitute diver and the name “Triple Lindy.”

And then you get to witness history.

The Bowling Finals from Kingpin

If more bowling events were like the finals in Kingpin, we’d watch more bowling. Big Ern’s hair, an amputee, the pinnacle of trash talk, the rose bowling ball. Why can’t ESPN demand theatrics like this?

The Boxing Match in Diggstown

Sure to be a controversial pick since other than James Woods, Louis Gossett Jr.’s mother and myself, nobody has actually seen this movie.  Nevertheless, it still deserves its ranking. The premise: In the boxing-loving town of Diggstown, a wager is made that one man can defeat 10 boxers in a 24 hour period. Once established, the con is on. But who is conning who?

Seriously, if you like boxing and con movies, you’re really missing out if you haven’t seen this.

As for the boxing match(es)…it’s an awesome mix of amateurs and pros brought in to take down Louis Gossett Jr., including the only fighter to beat him in his professional career, and an undefeated prisoner who is a legend on the prison boxing circuit (which we really have to get on – it’s a pretty safe bet that the fights on a prison boxing circuit redefine boxing).

In addition to seeing 10 fights, there’s more than enough drama in the stands between the two guys who first made the bet. Let’s just say the violence isn’t contained to inside the ring.

The 1 Game Play In from Major League

Win and you’re in. It’s Cleveland vs. the Yankees, in a one game playoff to see who wins the division. And remember, this was back before the wildcard, and before there were 3 divisions. Back when 2 teams from each league made the playoffs.

Just to be there as a sports fan would be incredible. Watching Vaughn walk into “Wild Thing” would give everyone goosebumps. But to witness the last play that won the whole thing, the play that would be #1 on every Best Damn Sport Show list, would be something you told your grandchildren about. Not that they would believe you though. It’s the Indians beating the Yankees. These days, that’s total fiction.

Roy Hobbs Last Game

Remember, there was a question if Hobbs was even going to play in this game. He’d been poisoned in the labor ward of the local hopsital. And back then, this story was pretty much the only story the papers covered. So while you wouldn’t be privy to any of the drama between the Judge and Red and Hobbs on the inside, there was plenty of drama involved in the game.

To be fair, we personally would have preferred the ending of the book the movie was based on.  Seeing Hobbs fail would be much more fulfilling for us, but only because we’re bitter internet comedy writers who love to see other people fail.

Also, I’m a Phillies fan. And no stupid old timer on any New York team is gonna get me to switch allegiances. Stupid Roy Hobbs keeping the Phillies out of the playoffs.

Still, we’re remaining objective. Though we wouldn’t have just pitched inside on him, we would have put one in his ribs during that last at bat.

Steve Nebraska’s Pitching Debut from The Scout

A horrible movie. You’ll get no argument from us. But as for a sporting event? It’s pretty special. I mean, a guy pitching a perfect game using only 27 pitches? Something tells me you’re gonna wish you were there.

The above clip has nothing to do with the epic game, but it was the only clip we could find related to the movie. So why not?  Also, it features Brendan Fraser being carried in from the bullpen like some kind of Indian royalty while a military band plays the Star Spangled Banner and some guy in the stands holds a sign that says “Steve Para Presidente.”  What fucking country are they in?  Our guess…Texas.  (It’s a whole different country to us.)

To give a little background, since perhaps only I and Brendan Fraser’s agent have seen the movie…

Albert Brooks is a scout for the Yankees, and he travels somewhere (Mexico? The Caribbean? Who knows?  Again, could be Texas) to see this once-in-a-lifetime ball player, Steve Nebraska. Steve is a headcase, but also a phenom. The rest of the movie is spent on getting this guy signed and ready to pitch for the Yankees. Which he does.

Really, you have no reason to watch it. We feel bad even bringing it up. Because you might be saying to yourself, “hey, how bad can it be? It’s a baseball movie.” And we’ll stop you right there and say no, no it’s not. It has some baseball elements, but no, it’s not a baseball movie. DO NOT RENT IT. Please.

The Basketball Game Where Scott “Wolfs Out” in Teen Wolf

There are few things that compare with witnessing a person transform into a mythical creature, which is why it’s impossible to ignore the classic Teen Wolf. Perhaps there were games where he put up more points/was more comfortable in his “wolfness” to do more amazing things, but the first game has such a pure innocence (considering up until he emerges from the pile of bodies as a werewolf, no one thought something like this was even physically possible) that you’d be kicking yourself if you missed it. This game also didn’t highlight any of the bickering within the team dynamic that later games had; it simply had all the wonder of a werewolf playing in a high school game.

(Completely unrelated – can anyone explain what the principal is doing at the 1:21 mark in the clip above? At first we thought he was shielding the erection he got seeing upon seeing a werewolf, which is understandable.  But after repeated viewings we’ve reconsidered. We think he’s protecting his genitals from a potential attack. Which – though slightly less creepy, still…it gives a weird vibe on his relationship with Scott. What was going on between those two that he thought Scott, upon transforming into a werewolf, would immediately attack his gens?  Was Scott being molested?  So many questions.

The Final Fight in Rocky IV

Talk about a hostile crowd…you’re definitely not wearing your Team USA jersey into this arena. Even though, inexplicably, there are shots of cheering Americans during the fight. Decoys, probably. High five one of them and the KGB would have your nads hooked up to a car battery by the end of the round.

Up until the final round, you have to imagine Drago was ahead on the judge’s scorecards, right? Possibly Liederman has Rocky ahead in points, but with the venue, had this gone to the judges, no way does he win, right? So if you’re in the crowd, you’re REALLY hoping for a knockout – because if the Russian wins…well let’s just say it’s not going to be easy to get a cab in (then) communist Soviet Union.

But the feeling of the crowd turning, and slowly starting to cheer for Rocky, not only would it be extremely satisfying as an American to witness and be a part of, but it would also give you the opportunity to, when back in the states, tell all your friends that you started that cheer! You know how excited you get when you’re the first guy at the baseball game that gets the clapping started? This is like that times a million!

California Angels vs. Seattle Mariners Game

Sure, a mid summer Angels vs. Mariners game would be an absolute snorefest. Luckily, this one has a little more action involved, including:

A visit by the Queen of England
A very past his prime Reggie Jackson
An assassination attempt
What could be the definitive rendition of the National Anthem

That’s right, we’re talking about the game from The Naked Gun, and we can’t think of a better baseball game to have seen. Look at it this way, just in the game montage we get:

A close play at the plate
A leaping homerun stealing catch
4 guys rounding second on a homerun
A pitcher not getting thrown out even though he has a tool chest on the mound for doctoring the ball
A corked bat
And a close, 4-3 pitchers’ duel heading into the bottom of the 7th

Of course, that’s just the baseball game. There’s no way one would deny watching a famed opera singer (because in the stands no one is the wiser) completely butcher the National Anthem. Add that to a Manchurian Candidate situation involving Reggie Jackson, the Stanford/USC (gotta be USC, right?) marching band stomping over the corpse of Ricardo Montalban and Drebin saving the queen by using a fat person to fall out of the upper deck, and…seriously, there’s no sporting event that could possibly top this one. Is there?

The Soccer Match in Victory

Where to begin?

First of all, huge mistake by the Nazis to schedule this game at all. Really, they should have seen they had nothing to win staging it. Win and yeah – everyone expected it anyway. Lose/tie and – exactly what happens.

Being at this game, not only do you watch the premier David vs. Goliath matchup since David vs. Goliath, you leave your mark on World War II by helping to liberate POWs.

You also get to see what, without a doubt is the greatest soccer goal in history – a goal tying the game for the POWs on a bicycle kick by Pele, as time runs down. Pele! A goal that eventually led to the entire team escaping into the jubilant crowd that rushed the field. Being present at this game isn’t just witnessing history, it’s actively changing the outcome of history. You can’t say you have an opportunity like that at too many sporting events.

And while we’re here, let’s give Max Von Sydow’s Major Karl Von Steiner a little bit of credit. Rather than toe the company line and show no emotion during the game, he not only shows appreciation for the competitive spirit of the POWs, but openly cheers the Pele goal – something that probably got him sent to a gas chamber mere moments later.

Read more from Chris at ThePopcornTrick