It was recently leaked that notable actress Helen Mirren posed topless for a spread in New York magazine. At first, one might think she is doing this for some sort of female/elderly empowerment, but then Mirren opens her mouth and everybody realizes she’s a ditzy whore. “The Playboy Mansion, coke, and the rise of all that – Guccione and Hefner always pushed it as liberation, but it didn’t seem like that to me. That was women obeying the sexualized form created by men.” This selfless calling out of the Playboy empire as “potentially sexist,” was followed by the statement, “Though maybe we always do that, because we want to be attractive. But I was kind of a trailblazer because I demanded to do it my own way,” So, unlike those washed up cougars who turn forty and pose for Playboy, Mirren has decided to go a completely different route (in terms of posing topless to re-start one’s career).
Naturally, at FunnyCrave, we heard “titties” and sent our best reporting staff out, immediately. It turns out, this really old chick stripping has disastrous potential consequences. We consulted with the finest astro-biologists and astrologers, and determined 10 different ways that Helen Mirren’s topless pics could ruin the world (for our penises).
1. Octogenarian Sex Tapes
If this Helen Mirren titty-rag doesn’t work out, she may just have to leak a sex tape with Cloris Leachman. The resultant wrong sexual heat could cause a sex black hole which swallows us all, no pun intended.
2. Playboy Seeks out Even Older Cougs
Fans of pornographic mainstream literature have long had to settle for either the topless forty-somethings of Playboy, or the pissing lesbians of Penthouse. With Mirren’s naked groundbreaking, Playboy might start doing spreads on “the women of Hometown Buffet.”
3. Ads for Beer and Cigarettes Featuring Bikini-Clad Old People
Sex sells, and by the time you’re eighty your brain can’t function well enough to know any better. That’s still not as bad as…
4. KY Commercials Featuring Panting, out-of-Breath Seniors
Think about all those erectile-dysfunction drug commercials where two seniors are in two different bathtubs. Now imagine those wrinkly seniors in the same bathtub.
5. Sexual Resorts to Offer “Coffin-themed” Suites
Also, Polygrip will feature products for getting poo stains out of your dentures.
6. Aspiring Helen Mirren Wanna-Bes may Start Getting Wrinkly, Sagging Implants
For a fuller effect, try massaging the breasts for 24 straight hours.
7. 24-Hour Suicide Hotlines Overwhelmed with Distraught Callers, Rivaled Only by 24-hour Vomit Cleanup Hotlines
Movie theaters will be packed with seniors making out, people projectile vomiting, and very specific fetishists getting off on the entire thing.
8. All-Nude Vegas Musical Review Starring Angela Lansbury
She plays “Beauty,” then gets naked and plays “the Beast.”
9. Home DVD Causes 3D Televisions to Shatter, Filling Viewers Eyes with Fiberglass
One percent of the victims will suffer corneal cuts which actually improve their vision.
10. Grizzled Cowboy Westerns to Start Featuring Enormous Amounts of Old Man Butt
They’ll probably remaster all the old John Wayne films to include him the Duke wearing buttless chaps.